We are growing up. And real fast!

Cannot believe, Sia is now an older child. Cannot believe, we are senior parents. We now have a few junior parents friends and Sia has smaller babus to look after. Already?? We have changed our status? Already?? Really??

"Mama, dada look at me, I am growing bigger and taller." Do I want to listen and respond to this dialogue with the same zeal and enthusiasm? Do I find it super thrilling? Honestly, cross my heart...no!! Logically...that's life - real-time.

My most painful acceptance of Sia growing up, is leaving behind all these moments, which are slowly converting into memories. I am not ready yet, to have these moments as memories. This is THE LIFE that I have known for the last 3 years, 5 months and 8 days (can you see how crankily precise I can get?) I cannot see her as a little girl or a teen or a young woman. We are speaking of another distant era. It is not even in a near future, to imagine and romance.

Another thing about growing up is the mania of SCHOOL ADMISSIONS. We are in the race right now of school hunt, admission forms, fees, distance, CBSE, ICSE and some other terms which didn't figure in my life. I don't get the frenzy. Why is it a big deal? Why do we need to have a drop down list of schools to apply to? Why is it that birth month and date of my child suddenly a deciding factor of her life? Why is it that where we live, an issue for the school? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And we think only a child can question and bug you with their innumberable and lethal "whys?" I don't think any logical answer will calm me.

These related issues come with growing up. It is nice to know Sia is still unaware of these while she is on her way to becoming a big girl. But soon she will be there. Cos we are growing up. And it is real fast. Add to it, the pure joy of self acknowledgment that "I am a big girl now...I am growing up real fast.." While I don't want to take away the high coming from this sense of self guarantee....all I want to say is, "slow down a bit my gugu baby...I am not ready to grow up as a mama to my little baby."

Revelation

Ok...so I am a 'not-so-nice' mama at times. And I don't want to hide that either. I have my bad moods and temper which get complemented with equally bad, if not worse reactions to my child's 'unacceptable' behaviour.

Last evening after another episode of 'unacceptable' behaviour from my child, I realised that I had confronted the truth of not necessarily being the 'always-happy', 'always-bumming-around' mama who can be walked all over without much thought. Mind you, I quite like that position. I chose to get to the zenith of it. But, it was absolutely necessary for me to rock my own boat. That I am also the 'not-so-nice' mama! I could finally say it to myself and accept it more to myself than necessarily to my child, to her dada or to the world. Let me reveal...I felt wonderful. It was like a whiff of fresh air.

The new morning dawned today. My child didn't show any signs of recalling the episodic tantrum or its side-effects. But I had slightly carried it forward to the morning. Not feeling nice about it, especially since I could not touch the essence or purpose of my life, I pondered. Till I hit upon the definition of my core emotion...'it is OK to be not-so-nice'. There is nothing more or nothing less about that statement. It is just that! Its parallel existence and realisation is what is necessary for me personally to groom myself to grow into a mama my daughter will be happy to have around.